Spring is close, but not close enough, so we find ourselves getting cabin fever and our cranky meters are dialed up to high. A little levity seems to be what the doctor has ordered, so I thought it might be fun to muse what certain hit musicals would look like on paper (having a little fun with boiling them down to their barest components). This is merely for fun and I hope no one will take offense. In fact, I’m hoping you’ll share some of your own ideas here.  

1. Cats
All the kitty cats come together in the same junkyard to determine which of them will be a part of the final chorus line in kitty cat heaven. Please god I need this job!

2. Hamilton
Men in wigs and tights singing about freedom and liberties. It is not La Cage aux Folles.

3. Rent
Artists are unhappy. Artists are bohemians. Artists are emotionally detached, but sing with such anger that we soon learn that they come to life for bad diner food.

4. The Phantom of the Opera
Spooky guy in a mask decides that sweeting the pot when seducing a woman always starts with a trip to the sewer.

5. Starlight Express
People are choo-choo trains that race. The Little Engine that Could…but didn’t.

6. Sweeney Todd
It’s simply a musical with better pie than Waitress, a “cut” above the rest.

7. Jekyll and Hyde
Mood swingy guy with violent tendencies sings duets with himself. The End.

8. Sunday in the Park with George
A guy follows people around the park and paints them in polka dots.  He speaks in tongues, a language that sounds an awful lot like it came from a box of Crayola crayons. Art isn’t easy… art is really hard! Even one-hundred years later, it is still really hard. 

9. Chicago
Criminals become vaudeville celebrities instead of going to jail. The People vs. O.J. Simpson, but with more fan kicks and ad libs.

10. Annie
A Republican finds a way to be generous toward the downtrodden and adopts a perky orphan who inspires him to reach across the aisle to a Democrat and together they create social programming. I mean, what kind of ludicrous fantasy is this?